He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
