What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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