Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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