its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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