My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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