It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
