Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
