OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
