Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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