Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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