I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
