Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
