In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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