also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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