Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
