lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
