I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i dont even know how to be here
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
