all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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