When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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