just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
