Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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