Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
