I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
