There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
