You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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