I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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