I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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