I hate all girls vehemently.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
