On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
