I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
