I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Randomize
