I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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