the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
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All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
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I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.