he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
