All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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