so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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