I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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