just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
No more Irish car bombs ever.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
