How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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