Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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