dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
