I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
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For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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