You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
