i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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