how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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