So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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