I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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