Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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