i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
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Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
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Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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