Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
