I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
