1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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