how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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