i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
