From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
