1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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