mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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