you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
