I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
